December birthdays be like…
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just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.