If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
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Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
The French word for sex is croissant.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
So sick of all these stupid rules
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I think I’ll stand
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?