“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
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Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Batman v Dracula
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
New Tinder profile.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.