Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
oh you wanna fight?!
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…