[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
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I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH