Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?