Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
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Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.