Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
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Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.