I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
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Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.