*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
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Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses