People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
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Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.