Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
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Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now