So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
accurate
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality