Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.