[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
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I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.