A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
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Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.