My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
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My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
2022: I can fix it
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
A leaf blower, but for people.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.