Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
You Might Also Like
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?