Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
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MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this