Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
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7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
🤣🤣🤣
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!