MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
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it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Go hard or stay average
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.