Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no