My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
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I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
happy valentine’s day to me
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
What even happened today?
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.