*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
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“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
broke down and did it
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson