Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
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My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today