I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.