The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
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I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
#ProTip
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.