me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
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she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too