It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
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New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Sticker placement is key.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Shoo shoo! 😂
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.