me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
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Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.