[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
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My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
🤣🤣
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.