One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
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By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.