Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Wait a minute…
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.