Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
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Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
50 shades of grey = my Liver