[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.