Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
You Might Also Like
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5