Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
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[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Only Americans understand
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.