DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
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Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello