SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
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I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Do not levitate over flowers
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.