vegan witches, happy halloween!
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to