Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….