my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
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Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
“No way.” -Jose
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is