If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
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*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?