Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
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I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..