Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
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Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”