My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
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My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.