Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
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Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.