Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me