If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.