I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
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[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?